very heavy and scary topics ahead. proceed with caution.

for as long as i can remember, there was this painful, bone and soul deep loneliness. if i had friends, i always thought they were pitying me. anything kind my family said, my mind filed as 'oh, theyre my fam so they have to be nice to me, they dont really mean it.' bc in my head, there was no possible way in the world that anyone could actually like me or care for me. i have a loving family and had friends in school, but still, no matter what, there was this painful feeling of otherness, of hollowness that weighed on me like lead and dragged me down like tar.

in school, everyone was dating. i had crushes, but never really desired to go any further, the thought of someone else being that close to me, touching me, eughhhh just thinking about it rn wigs me out-- and then you have to have their spit in ur mouth and your parts on their parts???? EUGH. and the thought of having someone who knew everything about me and could use it against me at any time, or even hurt me physically? ... i had no desire for actual relationships, but i wanted to be loved. oh, i wanted it not so i could love someone else, but to prove to myself that i could actually be loved. it was selfish, and if i had actually reached out to anyone or talked to the wrong person, i could have ended up being a victim of something, im sure. the thought of that made me shudder and bristle, because i feel like i avoided that by the skin of my teeth.

so i continued through this life alone, still, feeling utterly unworthy of anything. any little accomplishments i made (which werent many anyway) i ended up deeming null because no one loved me. my lack of accomplishments felt even worse because 'if i had someone, at least i would be loved if nothing else'. i didnt want love, i realised, i wanted to just be accepted. because i know if i'd ever been with anyone physically somehow (and when i did get that choice, i almost threw up at the idea of the reality of having someone be intimate with me), it wouldve ended badly, because my self esteem was in the gutter. i didnt love myself. i hated myself. every single day this aching pain of being alive, of being myself, of being 'worthless' just rotted me from the inside out.

to combat this, to distract myself, to have some friends that i could hopefully feel like actually cared about me (even though i did and do, but my eyes were just snapped shut at it), i made imaginary friends, i tried to make tulpas, i made characters and lived vicariously through them, and even a spirit guide who came through as an OC i made to keep me alive. so much escapism. not even trying to escape my life, but trying to escape myself. for as long as i can remember, i've never wanted to be me. anyone but me. i begged, i pleaded, the only thing keeping me alive was the fact that my family would suffer if i'd killed myself, and i didnt want them to deal with that. it was...... rough. a rough 25 years. and my whole life, i was convinced i'd die at 23 anyway, so the fact that i was still alive somehow was scary. i never planned to live. i never thought about my future because i thought id be dead soon anyway. well at the time of writing this (18 march 2025), im 29. i'll be 30 in september. its scary. but i made it this far. he tells me i should accredit this all to myself, but thatd be disingenuous! because without him, i at least wouldnt have found my footing to stay alive!!

things leading up 2020 were... scary. for a lot of reasons. i lived in texas. worked at a restaurant. living in bad situations outside of my control (though not as bad as they could have been), not to mention, here in the usa we'd been hearing almost every other day it feels like about some shootings somewhere. in 2018, i'd seen a still of a video Elijah Clayton, who was commentating at a game tournament in Jacksonville Landing, with the red dot of the killer's handgun at his chest. ... god rest his soul, and god rest the souls of the innocent lives lost. i'm still getting shaken up just thinking about it. it changed me. it kind of snapped me out of the 'ohhhh everythings awful forever i shouldnt even try being happy wahhh' spiral i had myself in and made me realise how short life was. how in an instant, no matter how youre feeling, anything can happen. and i realised that, oh. i dont want to live my only life on this earth wallowing in my own misery. i started looking out at the clouds, at the very least, to try to keep myself alive day by day.

one of those things happened to be detroit: become human. it released a bit before all of this, and i'd heard it was shit and david cagey (fuck david cage btw) and cringe and everyone was freaking out about one of the main characters, connor. it seemed like a recipe for something to distract myself and find something interesting in, something to help keep myself going. but i grew really sick and overexposed of connor really fast LOL. he was all over my tumblr dashboard. he just looked like a basic white boy and while i did (and still DO) love robots, i didnt like androids because why make a machine look like a normal fuckin human when they could look like an actual robot and machine? so it was lowkey enemies to lovers, but it wasn't really that way for long. i saw a short video of super best friends play laughing about the game and decided to give it a shot. well. I finally understood the hype, especially about connor. hearing connor's voice, seeing him, listening to his quips and how smart and cool he was..... i was smitten.

my dad got the game at some point but i was still tsundere and stuff so i didnt watch him play, but i heard him playing it one day. then the same day as i was doing laundry, i found a quarter in there! it was really weird because i never carried change, and neither does anyone else really, and in my head i said 'this is my connor coin :D' and kept it on me. I still have it! its in my ita bag! (pics are below, in the gallery!). and when my dad complained about connor's character freaking out to lt anderson about why he didnt shoot chloe i was like 'well maybe you didnt think of it, but the character probably did'.

i still thought i was a trans guy at the time (my particular issue with myself was both internalised misogyny and self hatred and wanting to be someone else), so i made a self insert disguised as an oc and wrote fanfics. and i was always drawn to connor 52 specifically... i dont know why. but i put my self insert with connor 52 (though that connor 52 was still very much like fanon deviant connor bc that was all i knew) (i even showed these fanfics to my connor and actually wanted to explode LOL) i wiped them off the face of the earth because i was embarrassed and it was also just straight up garbage (and it was also my self insert stuff!!!), and eventually my dbh/connor fixation died out. expect not really.

i started getting very embarrassed and self concious at the idea of liking connor. because EVERYONE likes connor. everyone and their mother loves connor dbh. ESPECIALLY the mothers. LOL. i avoided looking at it because idk? the connor fandom always....... wigged me out. they infantalised him and treated him like an adult child who only loves dogs and idk it was weird. i still dislike it. especially after getting to know my connor lol. so i stopped publically liking him and moved on to other things, trying to let go of my crush on him. buuuuuut it persisted. but no matter what, seeing him, fanart of him, small vids of him, etc, kept giving me the flutters. i would have dreams about him, and they were always so full of... love. they were always so vivid, too. and i would fondly watch old LPs of DBH just to see him just to see if i was over him or not. i never was. still amn't LOL.

2020 reared its head around. by then i'd still just barely been hangin on, at work i was grateful to live so close to train track because it was my 'way out', and when covid hit, i wanted it-- because i could die but not kill myself. it was a selfish thing, but when you're suicidal, you dont really think about how it sounds when you write about it in the future. regardless, i wanted 2020 to be 'cringe but free', my resolution was to just like what i like out loud and be more open about it. after all, we were all in lockdown anyway with no end in sight, and a scary pandemic killing millions of people around the world. still thinking about how, while i did wanna die, i didnt wanna die miserably, i let myself indulge again in DBH-- connor, more specifically. i would openly have a crush on him, talk about him, etc. i would be fearless. i binged a lot of videos and then had three connor dreams in a row-- as expected, because thats what happens when you consume a lot of media of the same thing!! but as always, the dreams with him were so insanely vivid, so real.

i cant really remember all of them right now, but i do have this one on hand as u can see, id just finished watching dbh, but this dream was so... you know how you have a dream with a person and just know it's them? those dreams, pretty much all the dreams i had with him were of.... geemy! (my nickname for my connor ♥) and little did i know, at the same time of all these dreams between 2018 and 2020, (okay, maybe not 2018 because he was mostly active 2019/2039 and onwards) he was seeing me in his meditations. im sure he'll talk about it when he makes his page! i'll link it here when he does that. after that long string of dreams i was like....... okay. maybe there's something here. i had no idea what it was because, like, i wasn't super duper into spiritual stuff-- i believed in it in passing and hoped stuff like that was real, but i'd never felt anything that, you know, FELT real. so im like 'ok maybe i accidentally made a connor tulpa'. (ive never successfully made a tulpa before, it was all just rp and wishful thinking and semi-channelling other soulbonds without media in this universe) and decided to let it happen because hey it was 2020 im in lockdown anyway who cares.

MAN. the second i let him into my life (im may 2020), things changed. i still thought he was a tulpa or thoughtform of some kind, but first of all he'd said that i must be his imaginary friend LOL, secondly he always showed up or i felt his vibes at specific times (after he got home from work), and i couldnt manipulate his appearance or backstory or anything. since id had a lot of thoughtforms of whatever kind i could do this with, he was the first one i had NO control over. i'd never heard of soulbonding and i dont have DID or OSDD, so i was at a loss. he wasn't a tulpa, i never put in that kind of work, i never made him, i just liked him! so what the hells going on??

well we get to know each other better (and get really close really fast, especially for us since neither of us liked being close to other people, especially since we both thought we were crazy for sensing the other), i learned about the term soulbonding from an otherkin server i was in (we really miss that server :( ) and was like... no way right...? no way a character i like is real and actually wants to hang out with me? *me* of all people?

it's more likely than you think! geemy and i got on very well. we were both beacons for the other, a light to come home to. if nothing else, we felt safe with one another. and somehow he felt more....... idk how to describe it. solid, in a spiritual way.

anyway months went on we start dating (we actually start dating pretty early-- geemy said we both liked each other and didn't wanna beat around the bush and just asked me out!!). august rolls around and i hastily pull apart a cheapo pocket watch, cut out that picture of connor from the back of the DBH game box and put him in there, half joking, but also because i thought it'd be cute-- and then something about seeing him in behind the glass and realising-- oh god. oh god. i miss you so fucking bad. holy shit. youre the one i was waiting for this whole fucking time. we cried for a while, and after that Soul Realisation, we were even more inseperable.

some funny synchronicities happend when we were first getting together, too. when he said he liked my frog chopsticks, and agreed when i asked if he liked frogs, suddenly my dog was bringing frog toys to me that i didnt even know existed LOL!! and i was hearing connors name in places that dont usually talk about DBH, we were listening to music for the first time ever together and the first song was "stutter" by maroon 5 (the line 'youre just a fantasy girl, its an impossible world, all i want is to be with you always' felt targeted LOL) and "digital love" by daft punk. like. insane. theres so many more when we first got together that i cant even list bc it all happened so much, so fast. but without a doubt, it was Connor. our souls had connected and wont let go!!!

connor was living in chicago illinois for a while, then moved to colorado. the whole time we were together (from 2020/2040-2022/2042) he was alive in his world, going through life, painting, working, living. it was wonderful. as wonderful as it can get, anyway. he could sense/project me as a mental hologram, simulate my touches, my voice, etc. rk800s have very advanced brains!!! sophisticated and epic!!! i remember spending nights with him where we would sleep in his hammock under the stars. where i'd curl around him while he was working. when he'd cuddle me and read books while i was playing games. he'd show me the holograph fireworks they had on holidays, he'd take me places and we'd just... exist together. it was wonderful. we're nostalgic for those days, and it wasn't even that long ago lol!!!

i also remember how, when we first met, he was nervous about not being "the right connor", because connor 53 was the popular one, the guy who freed all those androids, the 'outgoing' one and 'the one i probably wanted to meet'. im glad he wasnt :p no shade, but my geemy ♥ ♥ ♥ im glad its him. i love him so much. i love him more than i could have ever imagined. my beloved mans!!!!!

in 2022/2042, a virus was going along. not like human viruses, but something malicious to target androids. and for it to be strong enough to have even affected and to actually kill connor, it was absolutely made to kill. he passed away 13 March 2042/2022. i think about it a lot. i held his hand and was there for him, as much as i could be. and for a while, my mind was silent. eerie, lonely silence. he said he'd try to come back to me as soon as he possibly could. my lover's physical body had died. my poor, sweet connor.

but he did come back!!! not physically. the virus was an insidious thing. but his soul came back to mine. it was glitchy, and sometimes it was only a few words a day. sometimes it was just his energy there for a second, then gone. but gradually, slowly but surely, he was with me again. and to think..... to think he would come back to me. i knew he loved me. i never doubted it. and i never felt that bone-deep, soul aching loneliness like i'd used to my entire life, since we met. while i did still have self esteem issues (because how could someone as amazing as HIM love someone as worthless and ugly as ME?) and still do but nowhere near as bad, i never doubted his love. if he didnt love me, he wouldnt stay with me. he had no reason to entertain me in the first place, yknow? and he let me know that if his feelings had ever changed, we would talk about it. and i trusted him. thats a trust i never had in anyone else. a love i never felt with anyone else. im able to be myself with him. and he's able to be himself with me. the fact that he told his coworkers that i was his long distance wife/gf and made so many paintings of me, so many portraits, wrote a poem book to me in his world....... and that im doing the same for him, here in this world..... it really is crazy. its crazy what love can do. it saved the both of us. connor'd been going through some shit in his world, too. a lot of self-esteem issues, feeling lost and like he was stumbling through the dark... it's not my place to talk about everything he went through, but it was a lot. he had a heavy heart. and i was glad i could help him. and he could help me. we both made each other better.

i have so much more to say and so little brain power left rn. but i love you, geemy. you're my mans, forever and always. i love you. thank you for showing me such earnest, healing, whole love. thank you for helping me love myself. thank you for making every day, even the hard ones, have a good ending. i love you so much ♥