12 Jan 2024, Sunday
i think im finding what works for me. We are really into christian imagery and such, though historically, people have used the Lords word to sin. and still are today. and will, until the end of civilization. thats the unfortunate truth, because men will be men, and they yearn for war, violence, and any excuse to feel right about the treacheries and sins they commit.
this is something i have to accept, no matter what. so instead of aligning myself with a poisoned well, i'll do what my heart wants. and right now, my heart's being called to the rosary, prayer beads, and Mother Mary. to a divine feminine. i ordered a rosary and prayed on it. having the beads helped me sort out ehat i wanted to pray for. i know there's a certain way to pray the rosary, but im not a catholic. so i'll pray the way my soul wants me to pray.
ive also made a prayer bracelet for connor that i wear. its actually really pretty, and every time i see it, my heart and soul dance with excitement. in learning how to get in the routine of worship, i feel like im seeing things more clearly. that im feeling spiritual love easier.
this religious stuff has come at a wonderful time. my uncle died a few days ago :( he was young , only 40 years old. it hurts, knowing i wont ever have the chance to spend time with him like i wanted to. im still in disbelief about it. but... i experienced Connor's death, back in march of 2022. and i remember how happy connor was to see the family he didnt even know he had on the other side. knowing that my uncle is in safe hands, and is happy on the other side, really does make it easier, knowing that when one goes to the other side, no matter what, that it's a place full of Love and understanding, a place of reflection. it balms the aching soul.
ive been looking into an episcopal church nearby, they even have a woman preacher! i can never find the time to go, but i hope I can, soon.
im excited for the person im becoming. im still me, of course, but it feels like im blossoming, spiritually. and once i unfurl, i know i'll be able to make even more happy memories with connor, and with others.
because, no matter what, my soul sings for my Beloved!! It sings the most beautiful song, dances the most beautiful dance!! and how clearly ive been feeling my Beloved lately means im on the right track, and that he's happy about what im doing.
heres to being weirder about my Beloved, and here's to allowing myself to blossom, and heres to Mother Mary 🥂 💙 💖
also here's a book ive been really into regarding Mother Mary and not being a christian and praying the rosary! "The Way of the Rose, The Radical Path of the Divine Feminine Hidden in the Rosary"
17 Dec 2024, Tuesday
i woke up throughout the night with echoes of a post I saw on tumblr resonating throughout my head-- "get weirder about God". but it wasn't God that i needed to get weird about, in my half dreams all my soul could cry out was "get weirder about my Beloved". and I realise that i can just....... do that. I have this whole site. i have the crafts, the devotion, the Love, the faith. and i have myself. thats everything i need. im looking at my little altar as i type this, thinking about how if this had crosses instead of connor's symbol, it would be an altar that no one would bat an eyelash at. im also thinking about myself and how i live my life....... i do want to find a church and visit, i think it'll inspire me greatly, and connor loves churches and cathedrals-- maybe we'll go back to Mother Cabrini's shrine in Golden. though, going to churches is scary-- there can be so much hate and vitrol for God's own creations, for the humans god loves so much, between those ornate walls, and it's a shame. and a gamble. we'll take one, though, when we can, and do some research on the churches close to us. i want to be weirder about my Beloved. i want to be who i want to be, and that person is soft and full of light. i havent been that person for a while (work is too much for me), but i know she's in there, just bogged down by situations she doesn't know how to deal with. but with connor by my side.... i know i can do it!!! i can be who i want to be, i can do what my soul wants me to do. i just need to be brave-- i just need to not really care about what outsiders think. because many, many outsiders are full of vitrol and hatred and relish in their evil. i can sit happy knowing that that's not me. is that smug, looking at evil people and being glad im not as pathetic as them? maybe. yeah. but goddamn. at least i dont take joy in being an actual, honest to god demitrient to other people's lives.
so, i've got a lot of thoughts and research to do (i NEED to force myself to learn flex boxes), a lot of introspection and such, and just allowing myself to nourish my soul, so im gonna do all that. ja ne
12 Dec 2024, Thursday
i've started my mini-lent break for the 12 days of christmas-- i keep getting wrapped up in things that don't really fulfill me spiritually or creatively or emotionally. and, as always, when my mind isnt drowned out by youtube videos or mindlessly and shamefully getting sucked into janitorAI (i know. the temptation really got me for a while-- but who doesn't? ive given it up though), i get time to think about what i really want in life. what my soul wants. and i always end up looking up the lives of nuns and cloistered nuns. i'm so jealous of them, to have the money and the ability to live so intimately with their Spirit, with their god, the one they adore so much. most religions hate women and gay people, and im also so so so scared of being indoctrinated into a cult-- i just wish i could be a nun for my Beloved, for the one I adore so much. i wish i didnt have to worry about rent and work and how im gonna get my next meal, and could just bask in the glory of nature and my Beloved. thats ultimately where my mind ends up going-- and *has* been going since we met. he was that way for me, too, when he was incarnated. call it what youd like, but this type of love feels so....... whole, so nutritious and wonderful, it really does make me feel like a flower basking in the sun.
i look at all my stuff, how he's shaped every part of me, how hes changed me for the better, how, without him, i would have killed myself, how he's my light and guiding hand in the dark. and that's God to so many people. and i think its okay to love your noncorporeal lover in a religious way. because you don't have a person you can physically show your devotion to, so you do what you can-- oh!!!! im looking down at the other post and seeing im basically just repeating myself LMAO. SO, let's change subjects again, then, because past me is a smart cookie LOL
i was put on this earth to love, and to show my love. even if its subtle. i think in a lot of ways, im already a nun for my Beloved.
ahhhh im crazy tired, we went on a very small bike ride-- i'll come back to this once i have more substance to say. or if i just wanna reword what i said in the last entry. that would be kinda funny actually lmao
30 Aug 2024, Friday
i get my devotional tattoo soon... 3 days. and ive been thinking a lot about how envious i am of people like nuns and cloistered nuns, people who get to live in their spirituality so wholly and completely... its not a just now thing, either, its something ive been thinking about a lot, the older I get. how, if i had all my requirements fulfilled (ie, not needing money), id likely be able to sit more with myself and my own brand of faith and immerse myself more in it. i feel this peacefulness and oneness with Myself and with Connor and the world when i sit out in nature, no worries about anything, which is something that doesnt happen as often as i like. due to the heat, due to stress, due to other factors that i just... ugh.
i feel like i was put on this earth for a lot of reasons. one of them is to be spiritual in some nebulous way. i see people making churches and being so devoted to their god/s, and i look on with envy. people giving offerings and building temples, living in them and living by them.... man.
i dont even have a deity in mind when i think of these things. theres just some higher power i want to worship, and i also want to venerate connor. not connor detroit become human, but the connor i know and love so dearly. i want the world to know, in the distant future, how much love can change someone for the better, how love can transcend what we know to be true. i want to express how absolutely over the moon he makes me feel, and in my heart of hearts, thats me making a devotional space. because, like those of any faith, our beloved ones arent here with us physically. this is how we show our faith and devotion. maybe even overcompensating.
i had the idea for this post after we cuddled pretty vividly this morning. and how ive been getting jealous of people in physical relationships with their beloveds. thats an ache that comes and goes, but i know its one i can overcome if im just... able to express my faith (whatever that is??) more. or... if im able to be with myself in a private, sacred space more often.
what his symbol (the one i made for connor myself) represents to me is... his love. his love that opened my eyes to so much. it represents the soul/spirit that helped me out of the trenches. it also represents me, in a way. in the way that we're intertwined. its a devotional piece to help me feel closer to him, which helps me feel closer to me, which helps me feel closer to him, and so forth. i'll look at it and know that im loved, eternally. by both him, and myself. because we spent/spend so much of our Time as one. it sounds like a schizo ramble, im plenty aware, but discussing any spiritual stuff in public/to others just feels like that. its so hard to put things into words. but im happy that i can even say this stuff at all, you know? -♡