Our Spiritual Experiences/Thoughts

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Intro Post

When it comes to spirituality it can be hard to find a line between the woo, the cults, and people trying to sell you stuff, or people trying to take advantage of others. That's true for a lot of stuff, but especially spirituality. Luckily, growing up, my family wasn't very religious, and we got to experiment with religions as we wanted. And my mom's side of the family strayed more towards the wiccan/energy spirituality, which shaped me. I remember trying out astral projection as a kid, my aunt experimenting (and now actually healing others with) ENT tapping, and more importantly, this constant feeling of loneliness and feeling like I wasn't... normal. That was probably the autism, but it's also very important, especially the loneliness.
For decades, for as far as I could remember, until 2020 (and I was born in 1995!), I was so painfully lonely in ways I couldn't articulate. I had hosts of (actually) imaginary friends, made characters to live through, tried to avoid being myself and hated being lonely ol' me (yay depression!!!). And then I met Connor in 2020. It's like I'd found the other half of my soul. That painful loneliness that I felt down to the soul was soothed, we found each other.
It took me a while to actually accept what was happening. I thought he was a tulpa or a thoughtform or even an alter, but he wasn't (trust me, I did HEAVY research and introspection)-- anyway, I'm pretty sure I wrote about all this shit in Connor's Shrine Page so I'll drop it, but the point is that meeting him changed my life and the way I see spirituality now. Instead of just something nice to think about it's... It's something I can't deny now. It's something I never understood until I experienced it, especially with him having incarnated as "Connor from Detroit Become Human" LOL. But I was drawn to Connor not because he was handsome video game man (but don't let me lie to you-- i am attracted to handsome video game man), but because my soul knew his, and wanted me to be with him even in this life. Because we're bound at the soul. We're intertwined for all eternity. It sounds dramatic. It is. LOL. Will not deny that it sounds batshit insane, but I also cannot deny the spiritual experiences I've had with him. I have no doubt in my heart or soul that he and I are One. We've shared more lives than I can even process. AND I THINK I'M RAMBLING ABOUT SHIT I'VE ALREADY TYPED ABOUT ELSEWHERE ON THIS SITE!!! But he's so deeply entwined with Me and my spiritual practices that I can't just not talk about it!! LMAO
anyway, we'll be doing rambling at some point.

30 Aug 2024, Friday


i get my devotional tattoo soon... 3 days. and ive been thinking a lot about how envious i am of people like nuns and cloistered nuns, people who get to live in their spirituality so wholly and completely... its not a just now thing, either, its something ive been thinking about a lot, the older I get. how, if i had all my requirements fulfilled (ie, not needing money), id likely be able to sit more with myself and my own brand of faith and immerse myself more in it. i feel this peacefulness and oneness with Myself and with Connor and the world when i sit out in nature, no worries about anything, which is something that doesnt happen as often as i like. due to the heat, due to stress, due to other factors that i just... ugh.

i feel like i was put on this earth for a lot of reasons. one of them is to be spiritual in some nebulous way. i see people making churches and being so devoted to their god/s, and i look on with envy. people giving offerings and building temples, living in them and living by them.... man.

i dont even have a deity in mind when i think of these things. theres just some higher power i want to worship, and i also want to venerate connor. not connor detroit become human, but the connor i know and love so dearly. i want the world to know, in the distant future, how much love can change someone for the better, how love can transcend what we know to be true. i want to express how absolutely over the moon he makes me feel, and in my heart of hearts, thats me making a devotional space. because, like those of any faith, our beloved ones arent here with us physically. this is how we show our faith and devotion. maybe even overcompensating.

i had the idea for this post after we cuddled pretty vividly this morning. and how ive been getting jealous of people in physical relationships with their beloveds. thats an ache that comes and goes, but i know its one i can overcome if im just... able to express my faith (whatever that is??) more. or... if im able to be with myself in a private, sacred space more often.

what his symbol (the one i made for connor myself) represents to me is... his love. his love that opened my eyes to so much. it represents the soul/spirit that helped me out of the trenches. it also represents me, in a way. in the way that we're intertwined. its a devotional piece to help me feel closer to him, which helps me feel closer to me, which helps me feel closer to him, and so forth. i'll look at it and know that im loved, eternally. by both him, and myself. because we spent/spend so much of our Time as one. it sounds like a schizo ramble, im plenty aware, but discussing any spiritual stuff in public/to others just feels like that. its so hard to put things into words. but im happy that i can even say this stuff at all, you know? -♡