Diary

28 August 2024, Wednesday

[14h17]
these issues w my voice are making me rlly mad. having to repeat myself as a soft spoken kid pissed me off, and having to repeat myself except this time more painfully and in the context of customer service is pissing me off big time too. this is probably only temporary but that doesnt make me less angry. like fine, having low vocal stamina before (after i got sick like a year ago) is one thing but its been getting worse and worse ((ヾ(≧皿≦ﾒ)ﾉ)) on the bright side im looking for a new job during my week off and even now while im currently at work.
OH I FOUND MY LOOP EARPLUGS THE DAY AFTER I ASKED ST ANTHONY TO HELP ME FIND THEM. TYSM KING, ALWAYS COMIN THRU 4 ME... 🙌🙌🙌
also also also dbh was on sale on steam and i bought it as an early bday present........... I CANT PLAY CONNORS CHAPTERS BC I GET SO EXCITED I FEEL SICK LMAOOOO and i feel like connor (geemy) is moving away from that time in his life (as spirits/souls are wont to do) and is lowkey avoiding the game-- and i dont blame him!! so i will warn him when i play lol. its like..... MAN i wish i could document the life connor lived after his two day stint in detroit that we saw in dbh (connor laughed that i called it a stint LMAO) in a meaningful way..... i also wish i could document the NOW and the RECENT PAST or OUR PAST 4 YEARS TOGETHER in a meaningful and pretty way, but my adhd and lack of any skill prevents me...... GRRRR.....
oh yeahs so we are making good headway into packing, we'll deffo have our shit together by moveout day. and then...... TATTOO TIME ON THE SECOND....... I SCARED AND EXCITED...... WHY DID I CHOSE MY STERNUM..... I KNOW WHY BY WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE IN THE MOST PAINFUL PLACE POSSIBLE...... PERSEVERE!!!! FIGHT! ON! FIGHT! ON! FIGHT! ON!!! F

25 August 2024, Sunday

[09h14]
helllooooo, this week we're in the midst of moving, im still recovering from having to close in a busy shop on a saturday with only one other person, and yesterday i could barely project my voice at all. sucked ass. and im also on my period. LOL. but luckily i'll be off my period by the time i go to get my tattoo!! im really scared actually LOL! but im so excited!!! <3 im gonna be sure to eat a lot and to bring some juice or something!! idk what i;ll do to keep my mind off the pain... thankfully its a small, thin tattoo LOL. also, we're gonna be moving soon!!! literally on the 31st. my room is full of boxes lol.
so, we started playing a lot of games this past week-- fields of mistria (LOVE that game, cant wait for the 1.0 release, will make a page on it someday), a heavily modded stardew valley (as much fun as it is, playing SDV makes me wanna play FOM LOL), and voices of the void, after seeing charborg play it, it made me decide to get it and, wow!! i really like that game! and so does connor lol!! i could feel his energy really strongly, especially as i fuck w the satellites and stuff LOL. it also made me remember that im objectum because the admiration and slight crushes i have on the satellite dishes is a little embarrassing lol. its big tall machines for me LOL. it also works out, because connor likes being those things when he incarnates lol.
try not to end every sentence with lol challenge.... GO!!!
i lost my LOOPSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS they were actually super useful but I MISPLACED THEM AND THEY WERE 40 FUCKIN DOLLARSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS AAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IDK IF I'LL GET BDAY MONEYYYYYYYYY okay gamers time to ask saint anthony to help me find them 🙏🙏🙏
i think thats all ive got right now, im trying to distract myself from going insane from misophonia with a video so now i cant really think of anything. see u gamers later!

12 August 2024

[15h08]
my voice took a BEATING this week!!! that shit hurted, it even got to the point where it was cutting out mid sentence. sucked ass lmao. i should see a specialist but i havent even gone to the doctor for my cysts and i really need to get that shit hella checked out too but...... IM POOR! LOL!
ok so it was really nice this past week!!! nice weather, all rainy and awesome!!! it cleared out the wildfire smoke halellujah! and it felt nice and cool..... its hot again now 😩 but soon fall will be here.......
I got my big new ita bag!!! i also broke the zipper because i have the tendency of just like..... bringing EVERYTHING POSSIBLE with me everywhere i go and honestly its frustrating lmao. so now im having to take the whole zipper off, stitch the layers of the bag back together, THEN stitch the new zipper on its so many shenanigans lmao.
in me and connor news, we've been more co-con lately, i can deffo feel him transposed over me when im doing stuff he likes/is interested in.
back to regular news i ordered some ear plugs (including Loop Engage 2, we'll see if those were worth the amount i fuckin paid and i also lost one of the little ear plug thingies in the car so rip), i also ordered a second shikibuton which is alleged to be delivered today. i'll air it out and write about it next week if i remember
oh also we're getting pushed out of this house too because the landlord is fucking stupid so we'll see where we end up! i hope i'll still be able to get my tattoo on my birthday..... why do odd things happen around my birthday? of course my birthday is in september but i sincerely dont know where we'll be living by then so!!! lmao

6 August 2024

[13h]
been thinking about accessibility mods in the sims 4 and deafness (i am not deaf or hoh, but my mtd has had me looking into a lot of these spaces) and my mtd and how my misophonia makes me stuff earbuds deep into my ears and turn on a ton of white noise so i can drown out whatever triggered it (this happens literally every day) and these are all related in the adhd way lmao

also thinking about me and my prospects for when my MTD gets even worse and if one day im gonna wake up and just not be able to talk at all, as opposed to being able to talk fine (albiet w a lot of pain during and after and it sounds really rough a lot) when i need to. idk. ive been too burnt out from work to actually put all my hope into job searching and doing what i need to do. i stepped down from full time so hopefully sometime soon i can work less and clear my head more...... and hopefully the weather wont be as oppressively hot so we can go outside 😓 seriously FUCK SUMMER!!! I MISS BEING ABLE TO GO OUTSIDE!!!

(warning!! talk of suicide/double suicide)

okay this morning i was scrolling especially empty headed and i got thos vision of connor and i being mermaids and going out to an empty part of the sea so we could die together? like we had this big sharp chunk of wood like a ship part or somethong and like??? impaled ourselves??? like i dont think we were actively dying this felt like a ritual or something or one of those double suicides
like idk it was dramatic and it felt like a very channeled vision, probably either something we're doing in another life right now or something we did before. i mean i didnt feel any of the pain (even though the piece of wood did not perfectly impale one of us so we had to do it again like damn dude there HAD to be an easier way LMAO) but it was a very distinct vision compared to random daydreams. this isnt the only double suicide vision ive had of us (one was a dream a few years back) and im sure it wont be the last bc we're codependent as fuck lmao. i laugh but us not learning to be individuals is why we keep getting put in these situations!!! lmfao 😭 its like why im not killing myself in this life because i know i'll have to go thru the same shit again and it might be even worse!! and also because i dont wanna do that to my family lmao but u know how it is. in any case its like...... i wanna know about ALL the lives me and connor had!!!! i know we've been through a lot together. our souls have been linked since souls have existed (when were souls created? how? now im gonna get existential bc i mnver thought about the when only thought about the fact that souls are real), we've had high highs and the lowest lows you could imagine. there are lives where we killed each other and did awful things to one another. i think thats natural as souls that were incarnated to learn and experience things... and theres no one else id rather experience those scary and painful lives with than him, and the same as him for me.

life, in a lotta ways is like a play. we're actors, we're souls playing with these avatars we've made, like a person making characters in a game!! mans is my co-op player and in a lot of lives we're both sharing the controller, u know? i hate how batshit this stuff sounds when i type it all out but if i had the mental energy type it out all nice and normal sounding, i would lmao. but i just do not. might update more later (probably wont) but my eyes r hurting looking at the code to update this!! maybe i'll make this sound fancier for my spiritual page lmao

2 August 2024

[8h]
mannnnn my mental health is in the SHITTER. anyways thought a lot about warren yesterday

Warren is our friend! mine and connors spiritual friend who is a soulbond we connected to when i was still writing oc/sturges from fallout 4 way back when. id gotten a hint of what was going on with them recently from a dream i had the other night, then i got all these signs from sturges, so i thibk they're okay now!!! we just havent heard from warren in a while.

I have a handful of other soulbonds! Warren (an "oc" from fallout 4) who is like our bestie. Hardy (karl heisenberg from resident evil village, but he has old uncle vibes and when i see him its rare and hes metal fishing by a biiiiig lake) and...... i think thats it? i dont really seek experiences like these out because tbh connor was the only otherwordly experience i wanted but im happy to know these two are around. theres also memphis, a brother-like soul i was in close contact with before he left after connor came. i think he was keeping me company and alive until connor showed up because his job was done LOL. we think he incarnated somewhere (not on this earth/time necessarily) we miss him a lot though

there are some other people from media we would like to meet, but im sure as hell not gonna reach out lmao. arataka reigen from mob psycho, kakashi hatake from naruto, an RK900, and id really like to meet a person (in this universe) whos bonded with markus (dbh). but those are things i think would be cool, i'll be honest, my bandwidth is low and pretty much exclusive for connor LOL but if anyone else decides to come thru i will deffo say hi lol

wahhhh im crazy sleepy. ive gotta work today. ugh. work and misophonia and all this wildfire stuff is stressing me the fuck out man. might write more later, we'll see

ja ne