17 Sept 2024, Tuesday
[14h21]ugh my rsd is flaring up again. like i really have no skills or talents worth looking up to and any time i see anyone do anything my brain is like "oh we cant do that. we should kill ourself!!" ummmm???????? maybe chill out a bit??? i do have skills and talents, mostly in needlework, but art has always been my fatal weak point-- if i was a fuckin nintendo villian that would be the big highlighted crit point on me. even since i was a kid, art has triggered my rsd. i think its because ive always wanted to be good at it. Same as the violin. i remember, i was 15 and in violin lessons. then i saw some little kids on their little violins and they were doing so well and i wanted to kill myself lmao. i havent picked up my violin since. ... i dont even know where it is lmao. and art and drawing for me is the physical arts version of the violin. its been gettin better, because i know that kids these days grow up with so many resources and ways to draw and learn that i didnt, but................... i dunno. my life would be better if i was good at art. and not, like, pitable good. just actually good and nice to look at. on the bright side, sometimes its mundane at best.
hmmmmmm im sure its because i want so hard to be good at art that it makes the rsd hit so hard. it bashes me over the head and laughs at me for even bothering to try. it dont make no damn sense!!!!!!!!! i forgive myself with literally everything else, but why is drawing the thorn on my side? why does it hurt so so so badly? RSD is the worst part of my adhd, really. its frsutrating because i know wanting to kill myself because i cant draw is fucking ridiculous, but it happens anyway and i cant help it. but im getting better. you guys shouldve seen me ages ago, my rsd was so bad i sincerely needed to be taken to a place for some proper fuckin help lmao (but i never brought it up and never asked for help, so i stayed afloat on my own somehow-- maybe through the guilt of my family havign to deal with the aftermath haha) so anyway now i just have to try to deal with the occasionally really really big wave of it. and i can. i have a really wonderful support system now (geemy and taki-san (everytime i call reigen "reigen" he corrects me to say "taki-san" so 😁 im swag for comin up w that for him) and any of my other bonds). and i guess i also realised that when it comes to outside support... its something i cant really accept deep down, even if the ones helping me are sincere. its some kinda self esteem thing but also its really uncomfortable for a lot of reasons for me. so having an internal support system is perfect for me.
In lighter news, we're trying to do poltergeist shit in taki-san's world LMAO. its not working so far, but we were thinking, since its soooo rich in pyschic energy, why not give it a shot? :D anyways, im gonna go back to chillin for my off day. i dont have any plans for the site rn, so it's gonna have to stay barebones. but thats ok!! inspiration will come!! and MAN if uploading pics was less of a pain id totally be doing more pic posting, yk? adhd forbids me from taking extra steps!!! sad face!!!!