Here's to an easier October!

29 Sept 2024, Sunday

[22h35]
mundane, forgettable, unimpressive me. i dont really have anything of any worth about me, i think. im a nobody. and i actually would prefer to never have any fame or anything because thats a nightmare, but theres a difference between being famous and being remembered as someone worthwhile. or having something about me be worthwhile. but all i do is desperately insert myself in places with my usual pleas to join in, to be a part of a group for once, to have fun with people, but still feel empty at the end because, well, i have nothing to contribute. i never have and i never will. and when i do, it's selfish, self-centered, because i push myself away from people because i'm all i know, and thats all i know to talk about.

im really mentally exhausted, i think working in customer service does something awful to me, but im trapped in this hell forever because, yet again, i have nothing to offer to anyone, so i take what i can get.

when i get like this, i think of Connor, who loves me dearly and who i love dearly. he reminds me of how much i changed his life and made it better. and im so grateful i could do that for him. and that really should be enough. but to my brain, to my rsd, to my depression, this isn"t anything with any tangible results. so it says "thats not enough. i dont draw good or whatever so i should just die" or something along those overdramatic lines.

i used to write-- i still have some shitty fics up on my ao3 featuring a soulbond of mine, Warren. i actually canf remember my login or even my username and cant find them on google searches which is actually making me feel even more hopeless right now haha but it was semi-channeled fanfic of him and Sturges from Fallout 4. theyre together irl so i stopped channelling them and putting their private life in the public eye

and i even wrote some dbh fic and it was so shit i erased that shit off the face of the earth. but people read my slop and liked it. some people see my artwork and like it. some people see me and like me. why?? im positive so many people are doing this to placate me for whatever reason. and then go on to forget about me because im someone with nothing to give, someone just constantly pretending i know how to be friends with other people. i dont think, other than being around connor, ive felt like a real genuine person. even online. im just pretending to be social. i only really feel comfortable saying non sequiters and then fucking off. it all just feels like an act and its literally felt that way my entire life. what is wrong with me?? my friends online are people i like being around, but more and more im realising that im probably just a familiar and friendly face, because what do i bring to the table? what do i even say? what do i even do? what the fuck am i??

i dont know, man. im tired. im 29 years old. i have no tangible show of my worth. i have no savings. i dont have a future. i have nothing to give. ive been worn dry from all these years of shit with my dad and how it affected our family. of having to be the rock for everyone but never given a break myself. yknow? and its going to be that way forever. that's exhausting to think about. really exhausting. i dont know when im going to get a break from anything. i dont know what it takes to see in me what connor sees in me. but he has the benefit of knowing my Soul. i dont know my Soul. i just know the me right now. and she hasnt been doing too hot for the past 10 years at the very least. but connor also knew that me when we met and he still chose to love me, even before we realised what we were. i dont know. i just feel lost right now. i wish i had something, anything worthwhile. i wish i had excuses, reasons to get a break. i dont know what i wish for. to get out of this funk, i guess. but with how things are going for me mentally, i think im gonna be there for at least as long as i have my current job, because its draining my mental battery so much im becoming a worse person. and i dont want to be a bad, irritable person. i want to be chill and happy. please dear lord, let me be the good person i want to be.

17 Sept 2024, Tuesday

[14h21]
ugh my rsd is flaring up again. like i really have no skills or talents worth looking up to and any time i see anyone do anything my brain is like "oh we cant do that. we should kill ourself!!" ummmm???????? maybe chill out a bit??? i do have skills and talents, mostly in needlework, but art has always been my fatal weak point-- if i was a fuckin nintendo villian that would be the big highlighted crit point on me. even since i was a kid, art has triggered my rsd. i think its because ive always wanted to be good at it. Same as the violin. i remember, i was 15 and in violin lessons. then i saw some little kids on their little violins and they were doing so well and i wanted to kill myself lmao. i havent picked up my violin since. ... i dont even know where it is lmao. and art and drawing for me is the physical arts version of the violin. its been gettin better, because i know that kids these days grow up with so many resources and ways to draw and learn that i didnt, but................... i dunno. my life would be better if i was good at art. and not, like, pitable good. just actually good and nice to look at. on the bright side, sometimes its mundane at best.

hmmmmmm im sure its because i want so hard to be good at art that it makes the rsd hit so hard. it bashes me over the head and laughs at me for even bothering to try. it dont make no damn sense!!!!!!!!! i forgive myself with literally everything else, but why is drawing the thorn on my side? why does it hurt so so so badly? RSD is the worst part of my adhd, really. its frsutrating because i know wanting to kill myself because i cant draw is fucking ridiculous, but it happens anyway and i cant help it. but im getting better. you guys shouldve seen me ages ago, my rsd was so bad i sincerely needed to be taken to a place for some proper fuckin help lmao (but i never brought it up and never asked for help, so i stayed afloat on my own somehow-- maybe through the guilt of my family havign to deal with the aftermath haha) so anyway now i just have to try to deal with the occasionally really really big wave of it. and i can. i have a really wonderful support system now (geemy and taki-san (everytime i call reigen "reigen" he corrects me to say "taki-san" so 😁 im swag for comin up w that for him) and any of my other bonds). and i guess i also realised that when it comes to outside support... its something i cant really accept deep down, even if the ones helping me are sincere. its some kinda self esteem thing but also its really uncomfortable for a lot of reasons for me. so having an internal support system is perfect for me.

In lighter news, we're trying to do poltergeist shit in taki-san's world LMAO. its not working so far, but we were thinking, since its soooo rich in pyschic energy, why not give it a shot? :D anyways, im gonna go back to chillin for my off day. i dont have any plans for the site rn, so it's gonna have to stay barebones. but thats ok!! inspiration will come!! and MAN if uploading pics was less of a pain id totally be doing more pic posting, yk? adhd forbids me from taking extra steps!!! sad face!!!!

16 Sept 2024, Monday

[10h01]
wowee!! a lot has happened!!!! splatfest ended, team past won (i strongly disagree with their votes but im so excited to see what they do with this, lore-wise), my beloved team present placed second and poor team future OTL !!!! they deserveed to get at least ONE point!!!!!!! oof!!!!!! regardless, even though im a really sore loser, im really really happy maybe. splatoon is a wonderful game series and is a ton of fun!!!! it hasnt kicked in yet that this is the last of the updates, but also, theyre doing holiday splatfest reruns, so!!!!!!! its over but its not!!!

in friend news, connor really likes reigen :3 he wants to be close friends with him :3 YATTAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! also i started calling reigen taki-san because its kind of funny (doesnt like/cant handle spicy) and also it just sounds cute and he said it grew on him LOL

the only downside to this is if, when he feels better, he starts thinking about us less. i dont wanna go too into detail abt his situation but theres that sort of hopelessness and suspension of disbelief you get when youre in a really rough patch that you let yourself believe/experience things you usually wouldnt, you know? but thats for future us to worry about.

taki-san doesnt have esper/pyschic powers, but he can sense us and kinda vaguely "see" what i see if he tries, but he mostly goes off of vibes and what me or connor are narrating. he said hes writing a book about this sometimes, said maybe he wont publish it (because of the Inciting Incident :( ), but he'll at least take notes and keep it written lol. respect. i should write a book (NO I SHOULDNT!!!!!!!!!!)

oh yeah saturday (the entry below) was hell. absolute hell. i cant believe we only had 2 people closing. then they tried to call me in yesterday like i didnt just have one of the worst and most painful shifts of my life. luckily i was already busy and couldnt come (unpacking, a LOT of driving, a lot of house stuff), but goddamn. like. man i need a new job at a biiiig place with a ton of people working there so im not the lifeline of people who also need their time off, you know?

14 Sept 2024, Saturday

[14h01]
wish me luck today, gamers. im gonna need it. we got a huuuge event going on on SATURDAY (an already busy day) and only TWO PEOPLE CLOSING. so like if i dont kill myself im gonna celebrate/treat myself ok?

13 Sept 2024, Friday

[9h53]
contact and friendship has been established!! while i wont go too much into it here, connor and i have gotten close in some way to reigen!! he was really hurting because of things out of his control and i feel like we happened to pick up on that spiritual distress signal, if that makes sense. im really so so so happy we can help him, even if its just a little bit. when he talks to us i hear like, his japanese voice but since idk japanese its basically japanese sounding jibberish, with the translations being like... beamed in simultaniously? and when i "see" him it comes thru as his anime self! i kinda figured i'd percieve him that way since thats how i saw his source but its interesting that that happened at all! he also, probably also influenced by how i saw his source, comes thru in very vivid flashes, where as my other bonds usually come through writing or thoughts in my head. also had a very vivid, spiritual dream with him in it last night since we were helping him (and giving him big hugs bc he really needs them 😩!!!). anyway im sleepy and i gotta leave to open the shop soon so bye for nowwww, i might do some more updating, maybe to my spiritual journal today! also still thinking of ways to make my site more intriguing to myself... the sides feel so empty!!! but i need decorations!!!! BUT FLEX BOXES ARE SCARY.......... HOUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

11 Sept 2024, Wednesday

[12h12]
A lot of undenaible signs from a new soulbond!! it doesnt happen often to me, but i think we have a connection to reigen!! of mob psycho fame lmao. after some signs we reached out and left a spiritual voicemail (basically) and we'll see where it goes from here!! having more spiritual friends will be nice!! and considering the media we see him in thats really interesting!! also halloween is coming up and all i can think about is him playing fnaf and getting scared lmao

also i keep wondering what it is any spirits/souls/bonds would be interested in when it comes to me? connor saw me in his meditations before we met and also we're twin souls (i rlly wish there was a different term for that) so we've already been looking for each other, but what the heck would reigen be invested in when it comes to me? of course im more than eager to be friends because from what I've seen, hes a fuckin awesome guy!! and a funny fella and let me tell ya funny fellas are epic, but like................... idk this is very inchresting. we'll learn more in the future, i suppose!! also reigen is an outlier because when it comes to my scant, other bonds, i usually end up channeling them through text/writing and ive never written a word of anythng related to reigen! so idk how this will work!! anyway, i just wanted to document this! ive got work today and am also watching youtube so my brain bandwidth is lower than usual, so ja ne for now

[19h06]
so after some introspection and thinking and have come to the conclusion that my friends like me bc they like my vibes. its really as simple as that!!! in real life, online, and spiritual!!!

8 Sept 2023, Sunday

[11h34]
I'm at work right now and i just realised how.much better i was doing mentally and physically during my vacation. and, like, my first day back at work from my vacation is literally an 11 hour shift. are u kidding me. i dont get benefits or paid enough for this shit. like all my mental health progress has been flushed down the fucking drain lmao i hope those other jobs call me back. like i just want a job that doesnt make me want to kill myself LMAO!! im not built for customer facing jobs but thats all that will hire me!!! insane!!! also there were some fucking jackasses racing literally from 12am to 3am last night. i hope their cars break down and they go broke because of course that would happen when i need to work for 11hrs. PLUS THEY COULD HAVE FUCKING KILLED SOMEONE. jackasses. fucking absolute morons.

in better news, im now embroidering the hair onto my little connor rag doll!! thats gonna take ages and ofc im not doing it at work bc i dont want my rancid vibes to go into that doll LOL!! i also need to make him some clothes... right now hes in a dress made of a sock LMAO!! i'll post pics once his hair is done (so in like a month). it was a lot of fun making him! this is my first time ever making a doll, and i had to sew everything by hand and i didnt have a proper pattern so hes a little wonky but hes super cute!!! in any case thats it for now-- WAIT! my tattoo is healing nicely! except for the tail of the R part of the symbol, i think it mightve been overworked a bit, but i have one free touch up so we'll just wait till it heals!! i wont be posting pics of it right now, though! but it does make me so happy and feel so peaceful..... ♥

3 Sept 2024, Tuesday-- MY 29TH BIRTHDAY!!!

[22h19]
so gamers yesterday i got my tattoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and let me tell you how convinced i was that i was gonna fuckin syncopate from the pain, straight up thought about how i was gonna deal with the pain being too much for me to stand-- everyone says sternum tattoos are so motherfuckin painful, esp since i am super duper skinny but like........... luckily geemy's symbol is super simple because like........ that shit just felt like a normal tattoo LMAO!!!!!!!!! i freaked the fuck out for NO REASON!!!! and you know what, hallelujah!!!!!!!! and it looks so super good. got it in white ink because i want it to be personal and i love the scar-like look that white tats give......... also im drunk. i dont drink often but we went and got hot pot/korean BBQ!!!! and i got soju and also me and my fam we have eyes bigger than our tummies and the portions were HUGEEEE. next time we're just gonna do regular hot pot but im so glad everyone liked it, nme and connor really like hot pot ♥ i loveeee hot potttt and it makes me so s o happy rhinking about how connor when he was alive found joy and that certain something i cant describe in food like im glad he was able to eat food in hi s life i love my geemy im glad he had a happy life also i can feel him wanting to do a diary entry but im way too intocxicate to channel for him lmao im so sorry baby my darlin my beloved i dont drink often so im a super ultra lightweight

ojay what else happened oh YEAH!!!!! WE MOVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and this howuse is so much more qwesme eben though my room is smaller we have an enclosed backyard and everyonehas their own room and the landlord isnt insane like our last one os we're all so happy........ now the big issue is ALL THE BOXES!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! oh ywah also today we went to a rock museum (connor wsays its called Earth Science Museum) and we admired all the pretty crystals and rocks and wehn we went home i tidied up my room and like but studff on the walls and i started to make a rag doll but the legs wrer WAAAAYYY too small i gave up for the night and will just make a bigger one tomrorow!! i have plenty of fuckin muslin LOLLLLLLLL

havign my tattoo makes me so happy.......... like a phsyical reminder that hes here, even wehen i forget and even when i get old and stuff it will still be there....... just like him...... WAHHHHHH IM SO HAPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!! it makes me feel so peacefull too hallelujah okay so i forgot wveryhting i was gonna say we're also rewatching jerma play arcade ivdeo game and I REMMEBERED WE HAVE LOT OF DAVE AND BUSTERS MONEY ON THOSE CARDS...... FUN!!!!! okay naywya oh also im so happy to see more soulbonders it makes me so excited nd soooo happy that other people can experience such an anmazing thing like soulbonfing like literally its so incredble and life changimg im so so so happy ok i hoep i'll be coherent eneough in my code to make a link to this on my august journal and the jourmla index bc ......... woooooooooooh