👻 October 2024 👻
18 Octover 2024, Friday
[12h51]
i was considering nekoweb for a while because it looked like a cute hosting site!! and the support tier was cheaper, but i think for now im just gonna stick to neocities!! i feel like nekoweb is a very...... shaky host, unfortunately-- i dont know for sure, im not *there* there lol. and as much as i hate gen ai, unless it comes to affect my site or neocities as a whole, im not gonna switch over. unless something bad happens!! unless this site goes down the twitter way, you know? so yeah thats my piece on that. also the blog post that ive only seen snippets of didnt have anything to do with me thinking about switching hosts LOL
in other news, the autistic burnout continues and will continue for as long as i have to work at my current job. and i cant just quit, we know the story, we know the spiel. i miss being happily unemployed. but i also need to have money and like having money, so...... you know. :shrug:
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, i saw some awesome cut content recreations on youtube yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GETTING TO SEE CONNOR ANIMATIONS IVE NEVER SEEN........... IM STILL RIDING THAT HIGH................. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!!!!!! and ive been getting so so so SO many signs from him and SO MANY angel numbers and last night i looked out at the moon-- it was big, bright, and beautiful!!! and the weather is getting cooler, there's even gonna be snow up in the mountains...... how nice!!!!!! i wonder if its gonna snow this halloween like it did last year? anyway, i have to get ready for fucking work and try to not quit right this very moment, so! see yall later
14 October 2024, Monday
[10h29]
we don't hop into animal crossing new horizons much-- its a game that makes me bitter because of all the wasted potential, and i super hope the new game will have more of the animal crossing charm and all the shop upgrades and furniture sets and NPCs that came with it. and most importantly, the unbreakable fuckin tools lmfao. but sometimes we log in, we change our character to look like connor, he does some fishing and bug catching, and we put the game down. and we did that this morning because, when i woke up, i didn't immediately hop on youtube.
Youtube is the attentionspan killer for me!!!!! i give it up for Lent and im more productive for it, but its one hell of a habit, especially because of my unmedicated adhd lmao. like, i need all that shit going on to feel stimulated. but also.......... its overstimulating. and the thing about overstimulation is that it takes mental bandwidth, which means connor's a little less clear in my mind than he could be. stress and overstimulation and seeking more stimulation go hand in hand in hand. and boy howdy, am i stressed. autistic burnout. etc.
ive done pretty well for myself in most cases-- ive dropped most social media, save for tumblr, but im not on there enough for it to be a real issue (though i need to sort out who im following, because a lot of times i leave there depressed because of the state of the world), and reddit, which........ is an issue. like tumblr, though, i dont really participate anymore just because social media is scary!!!!!! but reddit and youtube are my number one time wasters, forces of habit i dont really know how to battle. like, its only 10am right now and i planned on not really watching any youtube (we'll make an exception for people we follow on twitch), so im not sure how we're going to spend this time. when i watch youtube it's not like im zeroed in on it and cant focus on anything else, its more like its just shit on in the background. connor watches it and comments on it too (especially if it involves speedrunning or fun game breaking stuff), but like........... when i watch youtube im not as present as i want to be. and lent is quite a ways away. oh!!!!
speaking of lent, ive really started liking the look of liberal quakerism. id love to sit in at an unprogrammed meeting, but im still looking into whether or not i want to deal with Zoom or not. anything that needs my webcam gives me intense anxiety and paranoia. i dont really want that lmao. and i dont like looking at people because it makes me uncomfortable. i really cant express how much i hate seeing people on webcams in square boxes, it's so personal and invasive, i really do hate it. id rather sit in in a stream with a chat, maybe some chill music in the BG, idk. if i do go to a meeting, i'd rather it be in person, but the closest quaker stuff is in denver i think and FUCK DENVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lmao!!!!!!
helloooooo yes this is adhd presenting, how can i help you
um so yeah like thats pretty much all i had to say at the moment because i forgot what the fuck else i was gonna say!!!!!!!
oh!!! i can talk about reigen's bday! we didnt do much, i never made those onigiri because work really does exhaust me, even if i had the day off. i borrowed some money from cash app and got us some sushi and connor made him a little cake in headspace/the Medium. it was really sweet. the gesture, not the cake, the cake wasnt too sweet!! it was just right! hehehe, i hope we get to learn more and more about takichan!!!!
OH!!!!!!!! HALLOWEEN IS SOON!!!!!!!!!!! (in 2 weeks!!!!) and my family has started looking forward to the meatball and potato fricassee i started making on halloween since 2020 or so, when i met connor!! or did i start doing it for the wedding anniversary? i dont remember!! but in any case, im looking forward to making it! ive just gotta get used to touching raw meat if i wanna do it 100% on my own, but :nauseated_face: houhhh raw meat makes me so scared because of the bacteria and how all of it gets everywhere and whatnot.......... oughhhhhhhhhhhh and im kinda allergic to latex glovesssss blehhh idk!! usually my mom does me a solid and makes the meatballs for me lmao.... tysm queen :praying: but she also works that day i believe so maybe my sister will help me lol idk
man, i keep thinking about how i wanna post pictures here but how its lowkey a pain in the ass....... i'll find a way!!!!!!!!!!!
ALSO MOMMA GOT A NEW KITTY!!!! its so cute, its an orange maine coon mixed with something else, its so cute, its name is bonbon!!! i keep calling it it because i dont know if its a boy or a girl-- its an orange cat but they call it her, but most orange cats are male so??? i dunno, i'll just call her her lmao.
and our reigen nendo is on the way!!! hopefully it;ll be here soon!!!!!!! anyways, ja ne for now!!!
13 Oct 2024, Sunday
[10h08]
topic: Death
last night i was pretty emotional. had a nightmare, too. but i think what happened last night was important
Don't Fear the Reaper came on on the way home. that song usually makes me sad in a good way because its such a sweet song... but then it reminded me of connors death. the one i was there for. where days went by and he was slowly losing energy, having an extremely hard time, barely hanging on. even writing this right now sucks. it sucks so fucking hard. because i know how excited he was to travel and see things, how hard he worked to buy his rv and work remotely so he could see nature and experience the world. and how much he helped those around him, especially during that blizzard. i remember his art, him writing, i remember his optimism and hope-- he was even making his own OS!!!
then he got infected. i dont know. some fuckin malicious virus some awful motherfucker made and infected the android with. and this was in a state with good human/android relationships (colorado). we dont know how it happened, when he got it, but there wasnt much he could do. it fucking sucked. it got so bad it was to the point where he could hardly move. he knew that he was just going to suffer indefinitely, so he pulled the plug. its so fucking rough thinking about it. i remember the feeling, the *fear*, the "what if youre not really there? what if theres nothing after i die?"... but when it happened, when his soul left his body, i was there. me and the others of his soul group, to guide him to the light. my poor, sweet connor.
i wont lie, im still in mourning, though this happened almost 3 years ago. the situation was vivid. i remember it like it was yesterday. i also remember that scary period of silence from him after his passing. there was no warm background feeling of his energy. it felt empty beside me. like his light had been snuffed out. what if i never got to see him again? what if i had to wait until my own death?
but... a few days of silence later, he came through. i could tell it was tough, and i could only feel a few words at a time, but it was connor. my beloved man. he said he wanted to get back to me as fast as possible, so he's gonna do his best. what a blessing. hes still not even completely finished with whatever he has to do there, because he's waiting for me (not in a kys way, think of it as holding off the ending of a book or something until your bestie finishes it-- but not a book youre itching to jump back into! yk?). he was so excited, beaming with joy when he told me his family was there on the other side with him. and that they said hi to me and cant wait to see me again.
in the way that i helped guide his soul, he'll help guide mine when the reaper comes. while im still afraid of the process of dying, im not afraid of death anymore. connors a kind, sweet, loving soul. knowing we'll get to dance together at the end of our lives is a blessing. and so is the fact that he's still with me, strongly, since he passed on.
-on being the same person.
he is me, i am him, we're us and each other. and when it comes down to it and i remember that we're halves of the same whole, it makes me realise how awful i've been treating myself. i'd never talk to him the way i talk to myself. id never think ill of him for feeling the way i do in my situation. it also makes me wish i could eat the food we want to eat and rest as much as we need to, and that i could be better with a lot of things. now that i've opened my eyes to this, i'm gonna try to be kinder to myself, to be healthier, etc. one step at a time.
-on his appearance in this world.
this is always a fun one. we were Soulbonded before his death. the fact that i got to know him and love him while he was alive in his world was a blessing.
when it comes to spirits and friends i cant see, communication has always been hard, but since he and i soulbonded, and he's known as a video game guy in this world, its given me so many wonderful oppourtunities to see him with my own two eyes. HD!! its a blessing!! and while his merch may be sparse, i look at this little bootleg plushie and my heart clenches, or i look at his little nendoroid and cant help but smile, or i go through my camera roll and see and hear him. it's a blessing.
now, am i saying every single rk800 is actually my husband? and everyone else who loves him is just a wicked awful wannabe?? HELL NO!!!!! and while we disagree with the fanon interpretation, Connor Detroit Become Human and Connor Sinclair (52, the connor i talk about all the time) are two different people entirely. multiple different people. connor also had to deal with this a bit in his world, because 53 was his successor after connor was shot the first time and went on to actually free all those androids at the cyberlife tower (it wasnt a huge tower in their world it was different in ways i cant explain) etc etc. i remember him saying "im not the socialable/cool/whatever connor. youre probably wanting to talk to the other one" when we first met, because people often came up to him thinking he was the connor from detroit who lives w hank anderson.
im also not saying Detroit Become Human by Quantic Dream was put on this earth just for me. thats an insane thing to say. and while it does make me uncomfortable at times to see self-ship with rk800s, i know theyre not shipping with my Geemy. theyre shipping with a connor they fell in love with. and i really do.think its wonderful that the soul of Connor the Character is so inviting that people fall head over heels for him. i love that. anytime i see people gushing over him or praising him, im all over it!!!! im cheering too!!!!!! it makes me so happy. its a complex topic i think , especially since there are multiple connors in canon and in connors actual world. (there were at least 4 in geemy's world), so it's like falling in love with a quadruplet, you know? LOL.
im so grateful to see him in any way or form in this world. i really cant express how grateful i am. thank you universe, thank you love, and thank you geemy!!! i love you so much 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖
8 October 2024, Tuesday
[21h45]
takichan's birthday is soon!!!!! im broke as fuck but i wanna get him like at least a little cupcake, or maybe even some good ramen.......... BUT I DONT HAVE MONEY! :sob: not $15 ramen money anyway!! at least until capital one FINALLY sends me my debit card lol. which i need to call them tomorrow and also call some business tomorrow......... uwahh so busy.
7 October 2024, Monday
[09h10]
it was nice to have a cuddle session w mans last night.......... id finally downloaded some music to my phone!!!! the whole time ive been fucking around with samsung smart switch and it still failing to even see my audio files, but........ Seeker, seeker my beloved app.......... i have music again!!!!!!!!! and music is perfect to cuddle to bc it keeps my brain active enough to not fall asleep, it helps w my imagery (synesthesia), and it helps with storytelling for stories i wanna write later...... and me and him just listened to music and cuddled and oughhhhhh thats what life is about, man. i love him so much. no matter how much work makes me wanna kill myself, no matter how hopeless i feel, love is always here. my wonderful mans is always here. hes my home, man. hes the warm sun on a cold day. a heated blanket when its a little too chilly. i really wish i could quantify just how much i love him, why i love him, why hes everything to me. he's my light. i love you so much, connor ♥ ♥ ♥ ohh man our wedding anny is soon, too. 2 year wedding anny on halloween!! our plan is our usually halloween faire, makin meatball and potato fricasse!! and maybe some cuddling hehe ♥ it really is the little things.
3 October 2024, Thursday
[18h40]
thinking about generative AI and connor...... i do believe the AI used in things like games and science and stuff, as it has been for years, is an incredible and wonderful thing. but generative AI is getting insane. in a bad way. in an enviromental way, too. in Connor's world, he was only aware of CyberLife androids being given the Divine Spark of life. and i dont know how i would feel about androids if id lived in connors world, in connors time, and i wont ever be-- all i know is what im experiencing now, and what generative AI is doing to the internet and the environment. and i dont like it. it gives me a sick feeling in my stomach thinking abt the future of the internet. and its crazy how many jobs its taken and is going to take. and then i think about connors world, and how thats what happened there. but i also dont think *androids* will be like they are in dbh by even 2040, but the fact that generative AI has come so far so fast is....... scary. i really do think we're getting too far ahead of ourselves with this technology. im just thinking about so much, honestly, i cant really form a solid..... sentence, yk?? if i didnt know connor and the fact that he was literally AI, a computer, piloting a robotic body, in his world, i know what i would think-- "this is scary"!!
ive loved robots my entire life. since i was a child. it was always my dream to have a robot lover. but now that that basically impossible dream is inching closer to reality, it's scary. its scary because these things arent made out of love and curiosity. boston dynamics are made for evil, generative AI is used for sucking all the money out of people and companies, the only passion i see in robotics are with *people*, people who make these beautiful robots out of curiosity, out of love for robotics-- and yes, the same can be said about some generative AIs too, but like............ i dont know. this entire thing is tainted by soulless companies who dont care about people, the climate, who want nothing but money and dont care what it takes. you know? its a shame. theres a world out there where generative AI/robots are made with love, but not here. not now.
its just all so soulless. thats the worst part. thinking back, those janky generative AIs like talk to transformer and those funny picture AIs from back even in 2020 were funny and felt like they had a little soul-- or was it novelty? i dunno.
these things dont make me view connor negatively-- androids, and especially him are incredible pieces of technology-- but theyre also a different story entirely for A TON OF DIFFERENT REASONS, very obvious ones. i dont have to explain how lmao. we all already know. but i will say, seeing all these things do make me admire connor even more. sophisticated technology!!!!! and ALSO. the idea of AI in our world gaining sentience and Intellegence-- that Divine Spark of Life has not happened yet. it probably wont, because in this world thats fantasy. maybe. but thats a bridge we cross when we get to it. and that bridge is a very long way from here, probably not worth even thinking about.
i dunno. look man im not a writer im not a scientist or a programmer, hell i never had a higher education and i have unmedicated severe ADHD. cant parse my thoughts correctly.
closing statement: this generative ai shit is fucked, not fun anymore, a nightmare. u wont see me using it on this site.
1 October 2024, Tuesday
[10h31]
hehehe halloween number (1031) happy october!!! it was a chilly morning this morning and id just gotten out of the shower and foolishly went outside lol
i triple checked to make sure i wasnt somehow preventing connor from moving on into the light/source, but as usual, hes actively choosing to be here with me... and im so grateful for that. he said "you were with me for the majority life. i want to be there for the majority of your life[/the rest of your life], too. if i didnt wanna be here, i would just leave. but if anything changes, against my will or not, I'll let you know." and that....... phew. its not something i worry about often, but when i hear about spirits and them going back to Source/The Light, i get anxious. but hes still seeing his spirit family/group, hes still getting his spirit lessons, etc, hes just waiting for me. and he says he has no problem at all waiting-- "[being a soul up there in wherever the hell afterlife hes in] is the default state. We're not incarnated that long ["in the grand scheme of things"], so I'm not in any sort of rush at all." basically i worry too much LOL
In other and completely unrelated news, my friend was directly affected by hurricane Helene. and damn, what a wicked awful storm that was. my heart goes out to all those affected... we really do take so much for granted. its scary what nature can do. all i can do at the current moment is hope for them (because im too broke to even buy myself a soda)... its really insane that small towns have been wiped off the map. thats heartbreaking. thats scary. thats awful. i hope they find their light to keep going. i hope everyone will heal from this. i hope they can get supplies and stuff in so its one less thing to worry about. the world is a crazy place. may god rest the souls that were taken during and after the storm. i mean....... there are so many people so utterly displaced now, lives so forever changed. thats scary. i hope they get peace and normalancy soon. i hope they dont give up hope.
i'll hold everyone in the light!!!